


Bittersweet

by UmiHinode



Series: The Story is Eternal [7]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Friendship, Gen, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-06 12:39:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15194972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmiHinode/pseuds/UmiHinode
Summary: "Love. I myself have never loved another person. Most likely, I don't even love myself. I do have knowledge of it. But I am incapable of determining whether or not it is vital to my life."





	Bittersweet

It seemed like he was always learning something new about Varona.

He supposed it was only natural. She was a woman shrouded in mystery, and no matter how much he learned, it always felt like he didn't really know her at all. Still, the woman known only as Varona was someone he had come to consider a friend despite all of her misgivings, and he hoped she could do the same for him.

The Varona that Heiwajima Shizuo knew was strong. She was a trained fighter, a passionate fighter, and someone who had dedicated her life to her craft. Said craft was questionable at best and challenged Shizuo's morals on an almost daily basis, but Varona seemed remorseful. When she had returned to Ikebukuro, she was ashamed, believing that she had failed because of her inability to reconcile with her father, and with herself. Shizuo had seen firsthand how it had destroyed her as she shouted at him, telling him that her existence was meaningless, and that she wanted nothing more than to die by his hand, for he was someone truly strong, much unlike herself. But in his eyes,  _she_ was the one who deserved that title, not him. For Shizuo, Varona only further proved this by managing to get back on her feet and find her way in the months since.

He had learned so many important things about her in the time since they had first met, and yet something so minor seemed to surprise him the most.

"Varona's birthday is coming up."

It shouldn't have been all that weird, hearing it come out of Izaya's mouth, but between the odd timing, Izaya relaying it, and said fact being something Shizuo had yet to know made it all the stranger.

"How do you know that?" Shizuo asked. He realized how redundant it was just a little too late, as Izaya had already started speaking.

"I'm an omniscient observer," he replied nonchalantly, moving to rest his head on Shizuo's shoulder.

Shizuo smiled as he ran his fingers through Izaya's hair. "Keep telling yourself that. Yagiri-san probably told you."

"Perhaps," Izaya murmured. "I just thought it'd be something you'd like to know."

Shizuo nodded. "It's a little weird, though. I know it's stupid, but I never really thought about her having a birthday."

"Well, she's not exactly the type to disclose that information, now is she?"

"I kinda want to do something for her now," Shizuo said. "Nothing big. Maybe take her out for cake or something?"

Izaya sat up and reached over for his phone. "I thought you might say that, and I thought you could enlist Namie-san's help."

"Help?"

"Well, not exactly," Izaya replied with a shrug. "I was thinking it'd be nice if she tagged along. Besides, you two met under rather strange circumstances. It might be nice to get off on the right foot this time."

Perhaps a little reluctantly, Shizuo nodded in agreement. He didn't have anything against Namie; he didn't exactly know enough about her in order to do so. Izaya talked about her in passing, and they hadn't spoken since she approached him, of all people, about his relationship with Izaya. It had been strange, but he couldn't exactly disagree with her reasoning - Izaya was quite the character. What was even stranger, however, was her newfound friendship with Izaya, though Shizuo supposed everything involving Izaya was strange. Not that he really minded. This was simply how things went in Ikebukuro.

And so, Shizuo found himself taking the train to Shinjuku as he usually did on his day off, this time with the intention of seeing Namie rather than Izaya.

Well, maybe Izaya too.

He hadn't quite expected for Namie to open the door rather than Izaya, though. Despite being rather taken aback, he managed a faint smile upon seeing her. If anything, her lack of expression only seemed to worsen once she realized who it was, greeting him with a frown. He almost doubted Izaya for a moment, though Namie bowed her head in greeting. "He already told me. Come in." Shizuo nodded as Namie stepped aside, making room for him to squeeze by.

"Good morning," Izaya greeted him from his desk, eyes glued to his screen.

"Morning," Shizuo replied, taking a seat on the couch. He glanced over at Namie, whose frown only seemed to deepen as she closed the door behind her, quickly turning her back to the two as she headed to the kitchen. Moments later she returned with two cups in hand, and she set one down in front of Shizuo before seating herself on Izaya's other couch. He didn't exactly have the heart to tell her he wasn't much of a coffee drinker.

The silence was suffocating, as Namie sipped her coffee and Shizuo might as well have twiddled his thumbs, the only noise coming from Izaya's keyboard off to the side.

Namie was the first to speak. "I'm surprised you can stand to be around her. Varona." Curious, Shizuo faced her. "The devil incarnate has told me a thing or two about you, and you getting along with an assassin doesn't add up."

Shizuo nodded, pausing for a moment before responding. "We were friends before I knew that, and I can't bring myself to turn my back on her. She's my junior."

"Rubbish," Namie scoffed. Quieter, she said, "You're even more senseless than I thought."

"Be civil, you two," Izaya called.

Shizuo smiled to himself at that. "Varona told me she tried to make amends. She's changing, and I want to believe in her."

"Not everyone can be reformed. This is the real world, not some ridiculous fairytale."

"If Izaya can change, anything is possible."

Namie froze as she reached for her coffee.

"And what about you?" Shizuo continued. "Aren't you friends with her too?"

Namie made a noise that suggested a laugh. "Yes, friends..." With a glance in Izaya's direction, she added, "Villains find company in each other."

"Villains, huh," Shizuo echoed, eyes downcast on his hands.

Before he could continue, Izaya spoke up once again. "Why don't you two get some fresh air?" When Shizuo turned to face him, he realized then that he should have expected to see that lethal smile of his, as he bit his tongue to hold back something along the lines of,  _I'm trying to work, and if you two don't stop arguing I'll have to kick you both out. Yes, even you, Shizu-chan._ Shizuo looked to Namie, and Namie looked back at him, though she was far less bothered than he was. Shizuo supposed he could understand how; Namie had been Izaya's secretary for quite a while. She didn't seem like the type to give up easily. Shizuo liked to think he knew better at this point.

"It wouldn't hurt," Namie said before finishing up her coffee and heading outside, not waiting for Shizuo to catch up. Fortunately she didn't make it too far, and Shizuo matched her pace as she carried on down the sidewalk. Not facing him, she asked, "So, what did you have in mind?"

"I just thought we could take her out for cake," Shizuo said with a shrug. "There's this bakery back in 'Bukuro that she really likes. It's nothing special, but I thought it'd be nice."

"It's rather juvenile," Namie murmured. "But then again, I suppose it suits her."

Brows raised, Shizuo asked, "What makes you say that?"

"Varona's not exactly the brightest. She's still fairly young, not to mention inexperienced."

Shizuo snorted. "Not the brightest? She's probably the smartest person I know."

"That says a lot about both of your characters."

The smirk on her face might have sent shivers down Shizuo's spine had he not been accustomed to dealing with Izaya. Frowning, he said, "Listen, if you don't want to be a part of this, you don't have to. I just thought, since you like her and all-" He stopped upon noticing just how flushed Namie's face was getting.

"I never said that," she hurriedly retorted before taking a moment to compose herself. "I have been a little negative, sorry. I'd love to do something for her. I had something in mind, but..."

"What was it?"

Namie turned her head. "Nothing in particular. I just wanted to show my gratitude. She's done a lot for me lately, whether she intended to or not." She was still blushing, and Shizuo couldn't help but smile, remembering something Izaya had told him some time ago.  _"Namie-san is a bit of a hopeless romantic."_

"Why don't you tell her then?"

Namie froze before whirling to face him, standing as tall as she could in her heels up against Shizuo's height. "As if!"

_She kinda...reminds me of me._

After clearing her throat and placing her heels back flat on the ground, Namie retrieved her phone from her purse. "Text me the address. I'll meet you at the bakery." With that, she stormed on back to Izaya's apartment, leaving a bemused, and amused, Shizuo in her wake.

. . .

Namie couldn't remember the last time she had been so angry with herself, and over something so pathetic.

Well, she supposed she  _could_  remember. The last time she had been so upset she wanted to self destruct had been a few months back, and despite having only been a few months, it felt as if it had been years. It had all started with Seiji's confession; the confession that she never would have expected, even as its development happened right before her eyes.

Somewhere along the way, Seiji had genuinely fallen in love with Mika.

It wasn't even that that had made her upset. Strangely, or perhaps not, she was happy. Her brother had finally found love - an  _attainable_  love, that is. After years upon years of chasing after the severed head of Celty Sturluson, Seiji had given up. He had learned to cherish the girl that dedicated her life to him, finding happiness for himself and granting it to his love.

She didn't cry, and she didn't scream, but it was hard, at first. Of course, she had known all along that nothing would ever happen between her and Seiji. Her love was nothing short of impure. She knew this, but she had loved him with all of her heart, and for so long. A love that strong couldn't disappear overnight, and how she hated it. She despised how she allowed herself to succumb to such feelings, and could not look back fondly on all of the things she had done to win Seiji's heart.

She was a villain, and she had taken pride in this. In a way, she still did, though not entirely. Now, she could see the world as it truly was; that the world was more than Yagiri Seiji.

How much of herself had she forgotten? How much of herself was left to salvage?

Those weren't easy questions to answer, and rediscovering just who she was wasn't an easy task. Despite how much she loved her brother, she was an otherwise cold woman, looking down upon anything and everything that wasn't herself, or Seiji. Everything in this world was rubbish.

Though she couldn't quite call Nastasya Voronin rubbish.

The Varona that Yagiri Namie knew was ignorant. She could rattle off pointless trivia as much as she wanted, read as many books as she could, and appear as if she posed a genuine threat in combat, but she was practically a child. In the grand scheme of things, she was inexperienced, knowing so much yet so little. She had more blood on her hands than Namie would have thought possible, but it hadn't hardened her. She was ashamed, not because she was remorseful, but because she was weak. There was barely a shred of good in her, yet Namie found herself drawn to her.

To Namie, Varona was herself following Seiji's confession. She was lost, and without a sense of purpose. She was angry, and had no one to lash out at other than herself. She was a villain, plain and simple, and villains found company in each other.

After a night of wallowing in self-hatred, Namie was woken up by her phone going off beside her. For a moment she thought she was still asleep as Shizuo's name appeared on her screen, though she soon remembered.

"I'll have to block him later," she murmured, dragging herself out of bed for the day.

_"Why don't you tell her then?"_

Shizuo's suggestion haunted her for the rest of the morning, even more so when it finally came time to head for the bakery.  _Tell her I'm thankful?_ She scoffed.  _I couldn't. Especially not in front of Heiwajima. All of this is ridiculous!_

"Namie-san?"

She stopped dead in her tracks, and silently cursed fate, the universe; whatever she could in that moment as she brought herself to look up.

"Varona. Fancy seeing you here."

"Shizuo-senpai informed me that you would be joining us," Varona responded plainly, expressionless as Namie flinched.

Namie said nothing as she followed Varona inside. Shizuo was easy to spot on the far side of the bakery, and Namie once again followed Varona's lead. What she hadn't been expecting was the man beside Shizuo, leaving Namie to sit beside Varona, a little too close for comfort. "I'm guessing this is your boss," she said without preamble.

"Tanaka Tom. Nice to meet you." He extended his hand across the table, and Namie reluctantly accepted. "Sorry, I was a bit of a last minute addition." With a chuckle he added, "I'm not exactly a cake person."

"I fail to understand how you cannot be," Varona murmured, her gaze both curious and threatening. It was surprisingly cute, Namie noted.

"Speaking of cake," Shizuo said as he scooted his chair back. "I'll be right back."

An uncomfortable silence washed over the group in Shizuo's absence, though he thankfully wasn't gone long. When he returned, he placed a rather large white cake in the center of the table. Adorned with strawberries and pink icing, even the ever bitter Namie couldn't deny it looked a little delicious. Her reaction was nowhere near Varona's, however. If her eyes could have sparkled in that moment, they would have. Namie hadn't known her as someone who smiled often, if at all, but she was undoubtedly pleased.

"Happy birthday," Shizuo said with a smile.

Tom chimed in with something unintelligible, and the remaining three exchanged glances. "What?" He asked, visibly hurt. "Is my Russian still that bad?"

Varona sighed. "I believe what you were trying to say is c днём рождения."

"Sdenimroshdeenya," Tom attempted to echo her pronunciation, though Varona's scowl remained fixed. Flustered, he refused to meet her gaze.

"How did you know of my birthday?" Varona asked, eager to change the subject. "Requesting an answer."

"Izaya told us," Shizuo replied, bowing his head. "Sorry. He can be a little invasive."

Varona nodded in response. "I suppose it does not matter. Another question: why do you celebrate this day?"

Shizuo shrugged. "Because we care about you. Besides, we haven't been out for cake in a while."

"That is true," Varona mumbled. "I apologize for my questions. This is simply...strange. Not once have I celebrated this day, nor anyone else."

Tom finally managed to look back, concern written all over his face. "Are you doing okay?"

Varona blinked at him. "What do you mean?"

"I've been a little worried," he continued. "I mean, just a few months you wanted Shizuo to kill you. Now we're hearing that you've never celebrated a birthday. Maybe it's not my place as your boss, maybe it is. I just worry about you."

"I do not need your concern," Varona responded, significantly less hostile than any of her company would have expected. "Your words have helped me greatly, Tanaka-senpai."

Tom raised his brows. "What did I say?"

"That a reason to live is unnecessary." That small smile of hers found its way back to her. "I must simply live."

_That's...surprisingly good advice, coming from someone like him._ Namie thought to herself.  _You don't need a reason to live. You just do._

. . .

An indeterminable amount of cake slices later, Varona was once again on her own. After spending so much time with these people that she supposed she could call friends, she almost felt lonely.

It was strange, for someone who spent their entire life alone to suddenly experience loneliness.

Naturally, her first instinct was to find comfort in her stacks upon stacks of books in the apartment she now called home. None of them were particularly helpful; it was all mindless reading, absorbing information she already knew, unable to stimulate her. Once again, reading was simply something to pass the time; something to help her forget, forget about herself.

The Varona that Nastasya Voronin knew was a loner. She was still weak, having been so her entire life. All she had was knowledge, a love for sweets, and the blood on her hands that could never be washed away. She was a fugitive, an assassin, a thrill seeker. She had become a murderer as a child, at first to save herself, then because it was the only thing that would get her father to look her way. She had killed because it had been fun; now nothing gave her that feeling. For a while, the city of Ikebukuro had. She had grown to love the city, though she was still lost, searching for the joy of truly existing in this world.

She knew all of these things, and yet she really knew nothing at all.

Some days, she had to wonder if she was really a human being, simply existing as she should. More often than not, she felt so empty, her life meaningless even in her pursuit of normalcy.

As she thought of how her day at the bakery had warmed her heart, however, she supposed it wasn't all meaningless.

_"Because we care about you."_

Perhaps she didn't need a reason to live, but that wouldn't stop her from having something to live for.

**Author's Note:**

> Two fics in one day? Who am I? I couldn't just let the day go by without celebrating my best girl's birthday, so happy birthday, Varona! Who would I be if I passed up an opportunity to gush about her, honestly? And also, Shizaya fans! You're in luck! Go check out Unconditional Love if you're in the mood for some good old plotless fluff.
> 
> ahem
> 
> Anyway, I know, a birthday fic that isn't primarily told from said character's POV? It's a little strange, but this way I'm killing three birds with one stone: having Shizuo and Namie meet, throwing in a bit of Namirona (don't worry, i'll be going more in depth soon), and celebrating Varona's character as a whole; the good, the bad, and everything in between. Usually my "character studies" are self-reflections, so I thought it'd be interesting to show conflicting opinions about Varona from the people around her. I guess it's not exactly a Varona birthday fic, but I at least wanted to show a little more of her on her actual birthday.
> 
> Just in case you didn't read Unconditional Love I'll put the same note here, sorry if you have already or are planning to:
> 
> I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for every kudos, every bookmark, every comment, and even for just reading. Your support truly means the world to me. I almost gave up on writing for good last summer, and I'm so happy I didn't. Knowing that the fandom for my favorite series of all time still lives, even just barely, and that people enjoy the stories I have to tell is what keeps me going everyday, even though it can be pretty tough some days.
> 
> Okay, one final note: updates! Simply put, I'm not going to have a schedule for a while. I'll post whenever I have something. I'm pretty inspired, though, so hopefully I can get a couple more out before I start school again.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! Feedback is greatly appreciated. I'll hopefully see you soon!


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